A Trip to Sports Authority

Today I took my boys, Jasper and Jack (five years old and twelve years old respectively) to the Sports Authority store. Now, I don't go shopping with my boys unless we absolutely need something. However, the pop-up baseball net that had kept Jasper happily busy in our backyard part of the summer had its last pop-up after the mesh broke off from the metal rings. It lasted about two months, which is more than most things last in our house.

I wondered why we had a dozen or so sports objects lying around the backyard. I remember listening one track of Brian Reagan's comedy CD in which he described how his parents instructed him and his siblings to find some "creative activities" in the back yard. Apparently, they did not seem to have any outside sports gear, so they came up with competing with each other on which sibling could stare at the sun the longest without going blind. Brian told his mom, "Mom, I counted to ten looking at the sun. I did the highest."

We finally arrive at our destination. Before we leave the inside of our "mobile home", as I call my car, I turn around and try to make eye contact with my kids and start giving them my usual instructions. These are probably the same instructions that most parents give out to their children before embarking on a shopping expedition: "No fighting, no yelling, and absolutely no hitting! Also, no walking together, next to each other or even in front or behind each other. (This always leads to the usual "Mom, he hit me...he pinched me...he kicked me...he walked too close to me...he pointed at me.... Then I ask: "OK, boys, what items are we shopping for?" My kids innocently answer in unison, "One baseball net." I then ask "Is that one item or more?" "Only one." They reply at the same time. I add "Do you ask for anything else no matter how much you think you need it?" "No." They both answer. Oh, look how innocent they are, and they listen so well, I say to myself. That was my first mistake: believing them.

FIVE SECONDS inside the store, both boys run to the back of the store where all the sports equipment is displayed. Jasper, the younger one, immediately runs to the huge basketball hoop and grabs a basketball. He tries to make hoops. This is an impossible task because he is short, being five years old, and the basketball hoop is standard height (high). There is an entire family standing right under this hoop. As Jasper is straining to make the very tall basket, the mother and a small child almost get slammed on their heads . A salesperson observes this activity, and tells Jasper no one is allowed to use the hoop on display.

As I m making sure that innocent people are not being sent to the hospital in a coma, the older brother, Jack, is off in another aisle looking for a hockey stick. I ask him why does he need a hockey stick when he doesn't play hockey. He gives me that exasperated look I get when he thinks mommy is mentally challenged which is often, "I'm going to play street hockey with Jasper in our driveway." This should go well. I visualize my two boys hitting each other with the hockey sticks or running after the puck into the street and getting run down by a car.

FIVE MINUTES LATER, Jack's attention is distracted by all the baseball gear that is now on sale. He doesn't play baseball anymore and baseball season is over. That's why these items are on sale! That seems to be beyond Jack's grasp. He comes over while I'm busy checking out some soccer gear for Jasper. I'm also trying to stop Jasper from tackling a very small boy while he is pretending to be a famous football player. I point to what Jack is holding in his hands, and stupidly ask "What is that?" Jack is holding the biggest aluminum baseball bat I have ever seen.
I tell him to buy a plastic baseball bat instead because we simply don't think that the look of broken windows goes with the rest of the style of the house.

AFTER AN HOUR of looking at soccer, baseball, basketball, hockey and even bow and arrow gear, we finally head for the register with only a small list of items to purchase: a new soccer ball, a $45 soccer bag (this was my idea since I thought it looked classy, a baseball tee, a baseball net, a a baseball bat, a hockey stick, plastic hockey balls, and lastly a small bouncing ball Jasper had seen right on top of the register counter. Salespeople are clever!

The total amount rang up: $270.00! So much for sticking to one item! I guess my boys were not as creative playing in the back yard as Brian Reagan was when he was growing up. Soccer season was sure expensive!

Of course, when my husband saw all this stuff later, and found out some of the gear could not be assembled because he claimed the package directions were incorrect, I returned most of the items including my soccer bag! The next time I'm going shopping, I'm leaving the boys with their father.